March 2010

How long have I been doing Stand Up? Am I standing up?

So I’m starting to see a pattern here. I’ve been to three shows, and two of the shows have had skits about dentists. Which is funny, because, when I was a kid, I had a LOT of dentist work. I mean, a lot. Every time I turned around, there was a dentist wanting to poke around inside my mouth.

More specifically, my orthodontist (a higher-paid dentist) was thrilled when I came in, because I remember my mom saying that he was using my mouth as a subject for some sort of conference presentation at the ORTHO-CON 1978 convention. I think he took 400 x-rays because the world had never seen a “case” like mine.

Anyway, this show was just great.

I mean, for a guy who is 76 years old — his voice and demeanor was exactly how I heard it growing up. I mean, the show that he co-starred on was in everybody’s living room — on what, Friday nights, for something like 11 years.

A perfect mix of stand-up and skits – with help from Chuck McCann and Louise DuArt (a woman who could impersonate Anybody) – the show gave you an understanding to the point he made at the end of the show:

“I’m really incapable of doing anything else, besides comedy.”

And that’s fine with me.

Tim Conway and Friends

March 12, 2010

Chinook Winds Casino

Lincoln City, Oregon

Tim introduces himself on the loudspeaker system from behind the curtain. (The casino would have charged $18 if he wanted to hire someone else to announce him.)

Monologue – Computer use at our age. Super-saver airfares (LA to NY for $8. No return trip. Taxied from LA to Dallas, and he thinks there was some crop-dusting in there, too)

Farewell Speech of a Famous Retiring Baseball Player

Impressions by Louise DuArt – Not limited to: Barbara Streisand, Whoopi, Miss Piggy, Joan Rivers, Mr. Ed, Tweety Bird.

Picture in your mind being stuck in an elevator with: Edith Bunker, Joan Rivers, Jane Fonda, Marge Simpson, Hillary Clinton and Fran Dresher.

Attending the Most Boring Meeting in the World – The National Association of Corn Growers

Louise DuArt as Barbara Walters as a Stand up Comedian in the Catskills

Tim as The Old Man – Welcome to the Ticket Counter for Speed-O-Air Airlines.

(He had to Push AND Pull a credit card through the credit card machine). Just make sure you arrive early for the noon flight (Maybe a week in advance!)

Louise DuArt as “Cher”

Tim as a prisoner with his last chance to escape – however his accomplice isn’t too bright.

Tim’s Monologue – Dieting, Going to the Doctor Today (Parking in LA costs $1,100/hour. The doctors make you wait because they own the parking lot.)

Louise DuArt as “George Burns”

Tim as Dorf, the World’s Greatest Golfer

Louise DuArt with her “Glued to the TV skit.” (Lily Tomlin, Ruth Buzzy, Judge Judy, Fran Dresher)

Tim’s Question and Answer with the Audience

How I Learned The Facts of Life

How to Hook Up a Doorbell

Army Days (He was actually stationed at Fort Lewis. However, it was peacetime and he was mainly “Guarding Ping Pong Balls.”)

I was going to be a Jockey (not riding for racing, but for training). But the first time he got on the horse in the gate, the horse took off without him.

The Dentist Sketch (Originally aired on the Carol Burnett Show). A dentist finally gets to work on his first patient. But, by the end, he’s had more Novocain than the patient.

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Parkdale third graders sing "12 Disaster Days of Christmas"

Welcome to your sing-able Christmas gift list. What follows is an emergency rendition of “12 Days of Christmas” – for outfitting your home or car in case of snow storm, earthquake, flood or other emergency. Read it as a simple list, or sing it to the tune of “12 Days” – you know, as in “ … and a partridge in a pear tree…” Not to make light of it, but the song is a familiar framework for a set of gift ideas that you could consider gathering together, even if the recipient already owns items such as a bunch of coats, tire chains and flashlights. Stores throughout the Gorge are stocked up on all these items. Buying all 12 days might be prohibitive, but here are three ideas for checking any of the dozen off your list (notations follow, 1-12.) The gift items needed to stay warm, dry and safe are also coded to suggest items in your abode (A) in your car (C) or both (B). 12 Gallons of Water (A) 11 Family meals (B) 10 Cans of propane (A) 9 Hygiene bags (B) 8 Packs of batteries (A) 7 Spare coats (B) 6 Bright red flares (C) 5 Cozy blankets (B) 4 Tire chains (C) 3 Flashlights (B) 2 cell phone chargers (B) 1 And a crush-proof first aid kit (B) Price ranges? Here’s a few quotes for days Three, Two, Four and Nine: n A family gift of flashlights (three will run $15-30, Hood River Supply, Tum-A-Lum) n Cell phone chargers (two will run $30-60) n Tire chains (basic set, $30, Les Schwab, returnable if unused for the winter) n Family meals ($100 or so should cover the basics for three or four reasonably well-fed days) n The home kit should be kept in a handy place near an exit, and remember that water needs to be replenished every few months. If you have a solid first aid kit already, switch out the gift idea with “and-a-sto-o-u-t- tub-for it-all …” Otherwise, it’s a case of assembling your home or car kits and making sure all members of the family know what the resources are and how to use them (ie flares and propane). Emergency situations are at worst life-threatening, at best deeply uncomfortable if you and your family are left without power for an extended period, or traveling and find yourself in a situation where you need to wait out a storm, lengthy traffic delay, or other crisis. Notes on the 12 gift ideas: 12 – Gallons of water: that’s one per person in a four-member family to last for three days, the recommended minimum to be prepared for utility outages. 11 – Easy-open packaged goods, energy bars, dried food and nuts are good things to include for nutrition. Think of what your family of four needs for three days to stay fortified and hydrated (see number 12). Can-opener also recommended 10 – If you have a propane camping stove, keep extra fuel handy. 9 – Hygiene bags: put packaged moistened towelettes, toilet paper, and plastic ties in large garbage bags (for personal sanitation) Resource list courtesy of Hood River County Emergency Management, Barbara Ayers, manager/ 541-386-1213. The county also reminds residents to Get a Kit, Make A Plan to connect your family if separated, and Stay Informed. See to opt-in for citizen alerts. Enlarge

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