Saturday, July 6, 2013
Back in 1959 when my wife, Donna, and I lived in Portland, I remember seeing some clever endeavor pedestrian signs that had a musical bent making them, shall we say, “noteworthy.” Here’s what those pedestrian signs proclaimed — and I’m not kidding: “C SHARP or B FLAT.” Since I was melodically inclined and knew 2½ chords on the guitar, I caught on right away.
But enough about 1958 pedestrian signs in Portland. Let’s return now to the Wild West and the terrible times when cowpunchers forced outrageously high prices for ammunition. Consequently there were quite a few trail signs that said: “Don’t go broke buying bullets — keep your holsters full at all times!” By the way, regarding cowpunchers: They really weren’t all that cruel; whenever they threw a right or left hook at their bovines, they always wore boxing gloves.
Unfortunately, history didn’t uncover much information about the very few cowpunchers who turned in their six shooters for squirt guns. They were called “The Wet and Wild Bunch” and most of them were hard of hearing as this detailed fast draw account reveals:
“Alright, thee awful-less, go for your water pistol!” “Would you kindly speak louder?” “For the last time, thee awful-less, go for your water pistol — Hey! Why are you getting on your horse?” “I’m going for your daughter Crystal like you said!”
Incidentally, “thee awful-less” acquired that unusual name the day he was born. The doctor said: “This is the awfuless looking baby I have ever seen.”
Not what we hoped
Dear Egyptian Military:
Here’s a little check for one billion dollars to help you buy war machinery from U.S. manufacturers. We hope you will use it wisely, but of course it is up to you.
Sincerely, U.S. Government, 2012
Dear U.S. Government:
Thank you for your thoughtful gift. We will use it to overthrow that democratically elected Muslim who had been bothering us. He’s got to go. You can probably convince the world that we didn’t actually pull off a coup d’état.
Sincerely, Egyptian Military, 2013
DaKine is the best
Kudos on your well-written article of June 26 about DaKine’s new waterfront digs. I was suspicious of Chico Bukovanski’s assertion that the location would enhance its product development because although the article said it was moving out of the Full Sail Brewery, it did not mention that it had moved next to the Pfriem Family brewery.
But sure enough, while taking a lunch break from my busy practice to sail at the Event Site, there was Chico — talking to the sailors and kiters and listening to their needs. DaKine truly is the best.
Sincerely, Timothy M.B. Farrell, attorney at law and proud owner of a top-of-the-line DaKine T6 harness featuring a dual Posi-Lock buckle sliding bar system, stainless steel spreader bar, with a comfy pre-curved P.E.B. inner support structure, nonslip featherweight ES foam molded interior, independent primary and secondary power belt to contain my expanding mid drift, and key pocket accessorized with a solo-bag having ample safety supply storage for my safety mirror, dye marker and shark repellent, a place for my emergency information ID card, and multiple harness attachment options side mounted for quick easy access.
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Parkdale third graders sing "12 Disaster Days of Christmas"
Welcome to your sing-able Christmas gift list. What follows is an emergency rendition of “12 Days of Christmas” – for outfitting your home or car in case of snow storm, earthquake, flood or other emergency. Read it as a simple list, or sing it to the tune of “12 Days” – you know, as in “ … and a partridge in a pear tree…” Not to make light of it, but the song is a familiar framework for a set of gift ideas that you could consider gathering together, even if the recipient already owns items such as a bunch of coats, tire chains and flashlights. Stores throughout the Gorge are stocked up on all these items. Buying all 12 days might be prohibitive, but here are three ideas for checking any of the dozen off your list (notations follow, 1-12.) The gift items needed to stay warm, dry and safe are also coded to suggest items in your abode (A) in your car (C) or both (B). 12 Gallons of Water (A) 11 Family meals (B) 10 Cans of propane (A) 9 Hygiene bags (B) 8 Packs of batteries (A) 7 Spare coats (B) 6 Bright red flares (C) 5 Cozy blankets (B) 4 Tire chains (C) 3 Flashlights (B) 2 cell phone chargers (B) 1 And a crush-proof first aid kit (B) Price ranges? Here’s a few quotes for days Three, Two, Four and Nine: n A family gift of flashlights (three will run $15-30, Hood River Supply, Tum-A-Lum) n Cell phone chargers (two will run $30-60) n Tire chains (basic set, $30, Les Schwab, returnable if unused for the winter) n Family meals ($100 or so should cover the basics for three or four reasonably well-fed days) n The home kit should be kept in a handy place near an exit, and remember that water needs to be replenished every few months. If you have a solid first aid kit already, switch out the gift idea with “and-a-sto-o-u-t- tub-for it-all …” Otherwise, it’s a case of assembling your home or car kits and making sure all members of the family know what the resources are and how to use them (ie flares and propane). Emergency situations are at worst life-threatening, at best deeply uncomfortable if you and your family are left without power for an extended period, or traveling and find yourself in a situation where you need to wait out a storm, lengthy traffic delay, or other crisis. Notes on the 12 gift ideas: 12 – Gallons of water: that’s one per person in a four-member family to last for three days, the recommended minimum to be prepared for utility outages. 11 – Easy-open packaged goods, energy bars, dried food and nuts are good things to include for nutrition. Think of what your family of four needs for three days to stay fortified and hydrated (see number 12). Can-opener also recommended 10 – If you have a propane camping stove, keep extra fuel handy. 9 – Hygiene bags: put packaged moistened towelettes, toilet paper, and plastic ties in large garbage bags (for personal sanitation) Resource list courtesy of Hood River County Emergency Management, Barbara Ayers, manager/ 541-386-1213. The county also reminds residents to Get a Kit, Make A Plan to connect your family if separated, and Stay Informed. See www.co.hood-river.or.us to opt-in for citizen alerts. Enlarge